


Who the fuck was that?

by birds89birds



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Captain Dex, Gen, Hazing, Jam, Lobsters, Post-Canon, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Screenplay/Script Format, Year 5
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23657746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds89birds/pseuds/birds89birds
Summary: 5 times Dex called Providence and 1 time he called Boston.
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, omc&omc
Comments: 17
Kudos: 71
Collections: OMGCP Hockey But Fashion Discord, omg stream! please Fics





	1. Jam vs Jelly

**Author's Note:**

> this is new! idk what i'm doing too much this has a lot of firsts but hey it's fun!
> 
> i came up with new characters so here's their names and where they're from in case it doesn't come up!
> 
> Dylan “Roach” Rochelle-from Portland, OR, USA  
> Carter “Bam” Powell- from Yonkers, NY, USA  
> Braxton “Hicks” “Hickey” Smith-from Hartford, CT, USA
> 
> this might look shitty on mobile sorry

**ACT V Scene 1**

_d-hall, team breakfast. september. BAM is about to put d-hall jelly on his toast._

**DEX** : ABSOLUTELY NOT 

_DEX smacks knife out of BAM’s hand._

**BAM** : Dex what the fuck!?? My jam!!!

_CHOWDER is in pale-faced shock._

**NURSEY** : Chill.

_entire table starts rising in volume._

**TANGO:** Did he just call jelly jam?

 **WHISKEY:** I think he did.

 **ROACH:** I’m pretty sure that’s jam.

_FOXTROT begins taking out the sin bin._

**DEX:** OK THIS BACKPACK [ _holds up backpack, it clinks with the movement_ ] IS FULL  
OF WAY BETTER JAM THAN THAT “JELLY” SHIT

 **NURSEY** : Not chill.

 **CHOWDER:** So many fines!!!!

 **BULLY:** Oh my god.

 **HOPS:** [ _muttering_ ] Nani the fuck?

 **LOUIS:** Oh no.

 **CHOWDER:** IT’S FUCKING JELLY YOU HEATHEN WE HAVE BITTLE JAM RIGHT HERE!

 **BAM** : THE DIFFERENCE DOESN’T MATTER!

 **CHOWDER:** IT DOES!

 **DEX:** THAT’S IT! I’M CALLING PROVIDENCE 

_DEX takes out his phone, presses a contact and holds it up to his ear._

**HOPS:** NO!

 **BULLY:** WE CAN’T HAVE OUR SHORTCOMINGS AS SOFTIES SHOWN TO BITTY!

 **DEX:** THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT Hello! Bitty yeah I'm just calling because one of  
the lobsters, [ _pause_ ] yes that’s our freshman, [ _pause_ ] I know. Nursey thinks he’s  
hilarious, one of our lobsters just called jelly jam, [ _pause_ ] no it gets worse, and  
also denied your jam and instead opted for dhall jelly [ _pause_ ] ok see you in 30!  
Do you want to go on speaker for a second? 

_DEX puts phone down and places it on speaker_.

 **BITTY:** [ _from DEX’s phone]_ Hey y’all!

 **CHOWDER:** Hi Bitty!!!!

 **NURSEY** : Yo.

 **HOPS:** [ _stuttering_ ] H-hi Bitty!

 **BULLY:** [ _paled_ ] ‘Sup Bitty.

_LOUIS begins having flashbacks to The Great Baking Ban of 2017._

**WHISKEY:** Hi.

 **FOXTROT:** Hey Bitty!

 **TANGO:** Bitty!!! How are you?

 **BITTY:** I’m good! Which one of y’all just committed the highest crime within Samwell  
Men’s Hockey?

 **DEX:** Bam, say hi.

 **BAM** : Hi.

 **DEX:** Roach, you were also involved in his defense. Say something.

 **ROACH:** Hey dude.

 **BITTY:** Sweet lord y’all I’m gotta get on the road so I’m gonna hop off for now, see you  
soon! Bye! 

_BITTY hangs up._

**DEX:** [ _gamefaced_ ] Chowder. Nursey. Foxtrot. Tango. Whiskey. We have 30 minutes.

 _CHOWDER immediately vaults over the table to stuff two more pieces of toast in his mouth and run. FORD scoops up her croissant and follows him._ _NURSEY starts shoveling cereal in his mouth as he stumbles towards the door_ . _WHISKEY sticks three strips of bacon in his cheeks as he begins sprinting for the door. TANGO inhales his burrito and jumps over chairs like hurdles for the exit._

 **DEX:** Alright Lobsters. Bam. Roach. I expect you at the Haus in no later than 20  
minutes. Those who want to see Bitty can also join but will be roped into  
cleaning. Waffles you're on clearing duty. 

DEX _grabs his stuff and runs after the others_.

 **BAM** : What the fuck just happened?

 **ROACH:** I dunno dude, guess we have a southerner to meet?

 **HICKS:** That guy sounded kinda odd.

 **LOUIS:** [ _clearly still out of it_ ] What do you mean by that?

 **HICKS:** Just not someone Dex would hang out with, if you know what I mean.

 **HOPS:** Come on Hicks I thought you were better man!

 **HICKS:** What?

 **BULLY:** Just drop it, we’ll sic the lawyer on him later.

 **HOPS:** Good idea.

 **ROACH:** Ey Carter we should get going dude.

 **BAM** : Oh ok.

 **HICKS:** I’m coming too.

 **ROACH:** Aight sounds good.

_HICKS, BAM and ROACH (LOBSTERS) finish their meal and make their way to the Haus, they walk in to utter chaos_

**HICKS:** Holy shit guys, what the fuck is happening?

 **BAM** : Do you need help?

 **DEX:** Not from you. [ _yelling upstairs_ ] NURSE CAN YOU GET THE THROWS OUT  
FOR THE COUCH

 **NURSEY** : [ _from the deep reaches of the linen closet_ ] YEAH!

_FOXTROT and TANGO can be heard arguing in the attic_

**FOXTROT:** DON’T ASK WHY NOW PLEASE WE JUST NEED TO MOVE!

 **TANGO:** SHIT OK!

 **DEX:** [ _ignoring them]_ You guys are on time. [ _goes into kitchen, comes back to set two_ _  
__jars and six spoons down_ ] Good. Hicks you’re here so you might as well. In front  
of you are two jars. Both strawberry preserves.

_LOBSTERS continue to look confused. DEX opens the jar of Smucker’s Jelly._

**DEX:** [ _muttering_ ] i got this just for these idiots. [ _louder_ ]  
each of you take one spoon and try this.

 **HICKS:** Tastes like strawberry.

 **ROACH:** I don't think that’s the point of this Hicks.

 **BAM** : It’s jelly? It tasted like candy though.

 **ROACH:** Dude.

 **DEX:** [ _audible sigh_ ] Just take a taste of this too.

_DEX opens jar of jelly labelled “SBJe 6/17” and places it on the coffee table. LOBSTERS grab spoons and taste the jelly._

**HICKS:** Oh I think this is better.

 **DEX:** You’re fucking right it is.

 **BAM** : Oh!!!!! Is this why you didn’t want me eating Dhall jelly?

 **DEX:** Yes. We have so much better stuff in the jam pack.

 **NURSEY** : As your Parent Dmen it is our legal duty to make sure you make good eating 

choices.

 **ROACH:** Dude. We saw you eating 5 and a half churros the other day.

 **HICKS:** What happened to the other half?

 **BAM** : He gave it to Dex.

 **HICKS:** Haha no homo am I right?

_entire room goes silent_

**TANGO:** [ _from attic_ ] What the FUCK Hicks.

 **HICKS:** I was joking alright?

 **DEX:** [ _phone buzzing_ ] Oh Bitty’s here. We’ll discuss this later alright Hicks?

_DEX walks to open the front door. BITTY enters the Haus._

**BITTY:** Oh Dex it’s good to see you! 

_BITTY_ _hugs DEX._

 **CHOWDER:** BITTY! 

_CHOWDER tackle-hugs BITTY._

**BITTY:** CHOWDER! 

_BITTY_ _spins CHOWDER around and sets him down._

 **NURSEY** : Yo. 

_NURSEY side-hugs BITTY._

**BITTY:** Sweet lord Nursey never change.

_DEX groans._

**BITTY:** And who are the lobsters?

_DEX waves hand to LOBSTERS to say “introduce yourselves”_

**HICKS:** Oh uh, I’m Hicks?

 **BITTY:** Full name, nickname, number, position and line. I’m gonna be watching your  
games and I want to know which frogs are around the Haus.

_BULLY, HOPS and LOUIS are inexplicably also there._

**LOUIS:** No no Bitty it’s fine you really don’t have to.

 **BULLY:** Yeah! You really don’t have to!

 **HOPS:** [ _nervous laughter_ ] Yeah it’s really ok!

 **BITTY:** Hicks. Firstname. Last name. Number. Position. Line.

 **HICKS:** Uh ok. Braxton Smith, 77, Right Winger. Second Line.

 **BITTY:** That’s nice. [ _points to BAM_ ]. Your turn.

 **BAM** : I’m Carter Powell. They call me Bam! Um I’m number 34 and I play D with  
Dylan. We’re below Nursey and Dex.

 **ROACH:** [ _visibly slightly starstruck_ ] Dylan Rochelle. Boys call me Roach. 36. Carter's  
d-partner and platonic life partner.

_HICKS gives ROACH a look of confusion._

**BAM** : Yup!

 **ROACH:** Dude…….

 **BAM** : Bro…. 

_BAM holds out fist. ROACH bumps it back. BAM and ROACH go into an elaborate handshake that rivals even Ransom and Holster in complexity._

**BITTY:** [ _whispering to DEX_ ] Are they... you know?

 **DEX:** [ _whispering back_ ] They’re a Ransom and Holster situation I think.

 **BITTY:** [ _whispering_ ] Ah. [ _Captain Voice_ ] I HAVE FRESH BAKED GOODS!

_skittering and crashing. TANGO, FORD and WHISKEY appear, looking disheveled._

**TANGO:** IS THERE PIE?

 **NURSEY** : Wait what the fuck?

 **WHISKEY:** I forget how fast you can make those.

 **BITTY:** I was making this before Dex called me.

 **FOXTROT:** ALRIGHT LOBSTERS YOU REMEMBER THIS MOMENT!

 **LOBSTERS** : Yes ma’am.

 **BITTY:** Trained them well eh?

 **DEX:** We can and will fine you. I reconstructed the bylaws.

_HOPS, LOUIS and BULLY get expressions that look like Christmas came early. CHOWDER, NURSEY, TANGO, LOUIS, WHISKEY, BULLY and HOPS all yell “FINE” at once._

**BULLY:** [ _whispering in awe]_ I can’t believe I got to do that.

_LOUIS and BULLY nod rapidly._

**FOXTROT:** 20 in the bin Bittle.

 **BITTY:** [ _laughs_ ] I deserve that.

_BAM and HICKS show visible signs of confusion._

**DEX:** Don’t ask, you might get answers

 **ROACH:** That’s not ominous at all.

_BAM chuckles nervously_

**BITTY:** Ok lobsters, it is time for you to learn something very important to being on  
Samwell Men’s Hockey.

 **NURSEY** : You NEVER get your fruit preserves mixed up.

 **ROACH:** Can we have pie?

 **BITTY:** [ _holds finger up_ ] After your lesson. [ _looks]_ Ah gosh I left the preserves in the car.  
Dex make sure they don’t run off.

 **DEX:** Aye aye cap’n.

_BITTY leaves the Haus, returns carrying 7 jars full of various colors of fruit preserves and a loaf of whole-wheat bread. BITTY begins to slice the bread into bite-sized chunks._

**BITTY:** Lobsters. This is your education. No person who is a regular guest at this Haus is  
allowed to not know the difference between fruit preserves.

_BULLY, LOUIS AND HOPS’ eyes glaze over. LOUIS and HOPS start mouthing something_

**BULLY:** “Bylaw Amendment number 26, amended September 9th, 2017, no member or  
manager of the Samwell Men’s Hockey team who is in the Haus for anything  
other than Kegsters is allowed to remain uneducated on fruit preserves.”

 **ROACH:** Holy shit.

_Flash cut, much later in the day, all seven jars of preserves are open. HICKS, BAM and ROACH look exhausted. BITTY has left_

**DEX:** This is why you don’t piss off Bitty.

 **HICKS:** Can we have pie now?

 **DEX:** Shit forgot about that.

_DEX cuts the rest of the pie into three slices. He plates it out and wordlessly hands HICKS, ROACH and BAM the slices._

**BAM** : Holy shit.

 **ROACH:** Hot damn.

_HICKS appears to have ascended into a higher plain_

**HICKS:** How the fuck hasn’t he come by earlier?

 **DEX:** He’s busy.

 **ROACH:** Fair.

 **DEX:** Alright lobsters now GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HAUS

_HICKS, BAM and ROACH leave._

**BAM** : Who the fuck was that?

 **HICKS:** Beats me. Pie was dope though.

_ROACH looks at BAM and HICKS incredulously_

**ROACH:** You guys are so dumb sometimes oh my god.

**BAM & **

**HICKS:** Hey!

_scene ends_


	2. Hazeville

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dex hazes the lobsters, but someone's missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did a lot of research on how to make tater's accent realistic! i hope it looks good.

**ACT V Scene 2**

_flashback. may 2017. BITTY is showing DEX, newly appointed captain, a secret part of Faber. BITTY seems to be in a trance-like state_

**BITTY:** This is a sacred place that only current and former SMH captains can know the  
location of. It is a secret room that you may use as you please, but any  
non-captains you need here must be led here using these, and they cannot take  
them off until they are within the room and the door is closed.

_BITTY points to a pile of really old jocks. DEX laughs. BITTY appears to leave whatever trance he was in._

**BITTY:** I used it while hazing the waffles.

 **DEX:** Good to know.

 **BITTY:** Someone scribbled “captain’s haus” on there ages ago.

 **DEX:** Oh my god I just realized Ransom and Holster getting uninterrupted D-man  
Bonding Time?

 **BITTY:** I had to live in the same Haus as those two, it was rough.

_back to current times, early september, 2017, a monday. DEX is leading CHOWDER and NURSEY to the Captain’s Haus_

**DEX:** Ok so I think it’s time Tater gets hazed. He claims he is an honorary member of  
SMH yet he hasn’t even gotten fucking hazed? Bullshit.

 **CHOWDER:** Agreed.

 **NURSEY** : Absolute horseshit.

 **DEX:** I’ll talk to Jack. I’m calling Providence.

_DEX calls JACK. JACK answers his phone._

**JACK** : Hello?

 **DEX:** Hey it’s Dex.

 **JACK** : Dex what’s up?

 **DEX:** Hazeville is coming up.

_JACK laughs._

**DEX:** And as brothers who have endured Hazeapalooza together, we request your aid.

 **JACK** : Haha.

 **NURSEY** : [ _muttering_ ] I forget he actually says that out loud.

 **JACK** : What do you need me to do?

 **CHOWDER:** Tater hasn’t been hazed yet. Yet he claims to be a member of SMH?

 **NURSEY** : Shaking my head.

 **JACK** : When do you want me to bring him and how do you want me to bring him?

 **DEX:** This Saturday, 20:00. Bring him sober with a black bag over his head and his  
hands tied. He can’t know where he’s going.

 **JACK** : Got it captain. See you then.

_JACK hangs up._

**DEX:** Still not used to being called captain. Alright boys, we have until Friday to get  
materials.

 **NURSEY** : Wait what are we doing?

 **DEX:** As much alcohol as you can get. Stockpile. Nurse you’re making tub juice.

 **NURSEY** : Chill.

 **DEX:** C you’re going to help me get this bucket on the ice for setup and shit, got it?

 **CHOWDER:** Yeah!

 **DEX:** Ayuh. Senior meeting adjourned. Put your jocks on.

_view of the locker room in the falconer’s arena. a few days have passed. saturday, early september. It’s around 7:10pm. SNOWY and TATER are goofing around._

**TATER:** Snowy! Hear me out! Sour cream is very good on any savory dish!

 **SNOWY** : Not steak!!

_JACK appears around the corner behind TATER, who is continuing to monologue about sour cream. JACK is carrying a black cloth bag. JACK makes eye contact with SNOWY and holds a finger to his lips. SNOWY nods slightly._

**TATER:** I do not understand how you Americans can eat steak dry li-

 _JACK_ _throws bag over TATER’s head. TATER tries to fight. SNOWY has no idea what is going on but he just goes with it._

 **SNOWY** : Tater it’s for your own good.

_SNOWY holds up his phone to ask if it’s ok to record. JACK shakes his head._

**JACK** : [ _mouthing_ ] HAZING.

_SNOWY nods._

_JACK strongarms a struggling TATER into his car. JACK ties TATER’s hands with rope before closing the car door to a protesting TATER._

**TATER:** Zimboni!!! What is happening? Why are you doing this to me? I do not  
understand!

 **JACK** : You are about to become a part of Samwell Men’s Hockey. Ask any more  
questions and I’m pulling over and gagging you with my sock.

 **TATER:** What is happening?

 **JACK** : I warned you.

_JACK pulls the car over and lifts the bag just enough to stuff the sock from his shoe in TATER’s mouth. TATER continues to make noise._

**JACK** : Stop it or I’ll play WPVD.

_TATER stops. The ride continues in silence. Eventually they pull up to Faber. JACK leads TATER to the loading doc of FABER. HICKS, BAM and ROACH are there, drinking cups of tub juice with their hands tied with WHISKEY, TANGO and FOXTROT supervising. Everyone looks at least mildly tipsy._

**DEX:** Good. You got him?

_JACK grunts an affirmative._

**JACK** : Did you prepare for his tolerance?

_NURSEY points to a home depot bucket three-quarters full of tub juice, it looks mildly less green._

**CHOWDER:** That one has an extra bottle and a half of vodka.

 **JACK** : That will work.

_JACK removes the black bag on TATER’s head. DEX, CHOWDER and NURSEY look surprised._

**NURSEY** : Yo chill. You gagged him?

 **JACK** : The drive was 30 minutes.

_JACK removes the makeshift gag._

**TATER:** Zimboni I thought we were friends! You put sock in my mouth! That is not how  
friends treat each other! Oh wow we are at Faber? What are we doing? Oh there  
is alcohol? Can I have some? I would really like drink now. Oh! We are hazing  
now? You could have just told me. I would have gone. No protest. This will be  
very fun, yes?

 **DEX:** I respect your decision now.

_HICKS is visibly the most drunk out of the LOBSTERS._

**HICKS:** [ _slurring_ ] Who the fuck are you?

_ROACH appears to be the only one of the LOBSTERS who recognizes JACK and TATER._

**ROACH:** Yo dude you’re like…... swasome man. Great D. Also you’re like…… such a  
good player. I love you dudes. I have a huge hocker boner for you Mashkov  
just…… Bro. We met Eric Bittle the other day and he was so nice I love him you  
know how nice this team is? The other lobsters I don’t think know who he was  
but I did. We had like…. one of his pies. God-tier dude. I love him almost as  
much as I love Carter. Dude’s so fucking cool. Is he here? I want to see my  
partner!!!! Where is he???? Zimmermann you are so lucky you have Bitty. Like  
yeah Carter's great but those fucking pies. But also I could not have chosen a  
better dude to have a QPR with. I love Carter. Dude your celebration for  
the Stanley Cup was so good me and Carter were losing it. As a queer hockey  
players in a relationship we loved that so I want to thank you personally. Thank  
you Jack Zimmermann from the bottom of my heart. Also you helped me figure  
out I was pan.

 **JACK:** Haha.

 **BAM** : Dylan seems to like you so I like you too!!!!!

 **DEX:** Um. What?

 **HICKS:** That’s not very bro of you.

_HICKS laughs._

**FOXTROT:** Ok that’s enough tub juice for you.

_FOXTROT takes HICKS’ tub juice away. JACK laughs. DEX hands TATER a cup full of juice from the home depot bucket, he chugs it down. DEX refills his cup and TATER savors it a bit more._

**JACK** : I’m designated driver so I won’t be drinking.

 **DEX:** Thought so.

_DEX downs an entire cup of the tub juice from the cooler. everyone except JACK continues drinking until they get hammered. FOXTROT appears to be only moderately drunk._

**DEX:** [ _slurring his words_ ] Strip them into their boxers.

 **NURSEY** : [ _barely comprehensible_ ] What???

 **DEX:** It’s not a hazing unless someone’s half naked.

_FOXTROT nods and mechanically takes off the shirts of all of those who are getting hazed. TANGO takes off their pants._

**DEX:** Jack bro can you help me get Tater on the ice? You will have to leave afterwards  
this is only for current members.

 **JACK** : Sure.

_NURSEY drags BAM and ROACH, who are completely shitfaced and refuse to be separated, onto the ice. CHOWDER pulls HICKS along to center ice as well._

**JACK** : Bully right? Can you get his legs while I get his arms?

_BULLY, despite his drunkness, still looks a little scared of JACK._

**BULLY:** Yeah sure.

_BULLY and JACK pick up a struggling TATER. TATER is wasted and his accent is a lot heavier._

**TATER:** [ _slurring_ ] Why you me pick up? Where to we going? Oh? We going center of ice?  
This part of дедовщина, no? I am already done it with Falconers! No need now!

 **JACK** : Having your regrets now, eh?

 **TATER:** Zimboni! I want to say what you say is funny.

 **DEX:** It’s so hard to understand him when he’s drunk bro you haven’t seen the worst of  
it. He sounds wicked numb.

 **JACK** : I don’t get drunk enough to be incomprehensible you’re just too drunk to  
understand me.

 **NURSEY** : Hazapalooza?

 **JACK** : Eat my dick man.

_DEX remembers the rules._

**DEX:** Oh yeah! GET OFF MY FUCKING ICE ZIMMERMANN!

 **JACK** : Haha. I’m going! I’m going!

_JACK leaves. BAM and HICKS look confused. ROACH looks like he just saw god._

**ROACH:** Yo.

_DEX begins to shout._

**DEX:** LOBSTERS. This evening you partake in the most sacred of hockey rituals.

 **JACK** : [ _shouting as he leaves_ ] DON’T PLAGARIZE SHITTY’S SPEECH!

 **DEX:** SAVE IT JACK.

 **ROACH:** [ _in awe_ ] My captain is on a first name basis with Jack fucking Zimmermann.

 **NURSEY** : NO TALKING

 **DEX:** HAZEVILLE-before it Hazapalooza-bonds us in Samwell brotherhood.  
Tonight, you bugs will crawl on the shores of manhood naked, blindfolded and  
wicked rat-assed. BUT NOT ALONE! We have an honorary member who has  
yet to endure the gauntlet! ALEXEI MASHKOV!

_TATER mumbles something incomprehensible._

**DEX:** YOU PLAY HOCKEY AND YOU ANSWER ASK-A-WELLIES. YOU ARE A  
MEMBER OF SAMWELL MEN’S HOCKEY.

 **FOXTROT:** Dude even I got hazed.

_scene switches to the next day. CHOWDER, DEX, FOXTROT, NURSEY, TANGO and WHISKEY are watching news coverage of Falconers game against Boston._

**SPORTS**

**COMMENTATOR**

**#1:** Just in, Alexei Mashkov, defenseman for the Falconers, is scratched for illness  
for tonight’s game.

_DEX, NURSEY and CHOWDER high five each other. Scene changes to LOBSTERS hanging out in HICKS' dorm._

**_BAM:_** You remember the dude that was hazed with us last night?

 **HICKS:** Who the fuck was that?

_scene ends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes the implication is tater was too hung over to play.


	3. The Prank

**ACT V Scene 3**

_Dhall. Dinner. LOUIS, BAM and ROACH appear to be the only members of SMH there. They are speaking in hushed tones._

**LOUIS:** Ok so here is the plan. We will go to the dollar tree, and we will buy as many  
lobsters as they have.

 **BAM** : Got it.

 **ROACH:** I have a 20.

 **BAM** : Nice.

 **LOUIS:** That should get us plenty.

_scene shifts. it is before practice. DEX opens his locker and 100s of tiny plastic lobsters fall out. DEX turns bright red. the entire team loses it._

**DEX:** OK WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?

_NURSEY is on the floor at this point._

**CHOWDER:** [ _struggling to breath_ ] How are there so many?

 **DEX:** IF THE FUCKERS WHO DID THIS DO NOT FESS UP NOW I’M CALLING  
FUCKING PROVIDENCE!

 **NURSEY** : Do it, coward.

 **DEX:** I FUCKING WILL!

_LOUIS, BAM and ROACH look mildly terrified, but say nothing. TANGO looks confused. WHISKEY looks indifferent. HICKS looks annoyed._

**HICKS:** Why are you so dramatic?

 **BULLY:** This is Samwell Men’s Hockey, get with the program, we’re all dramatic.

_HICKS rolls his eyes. DEX takes out his phone and calls someone._

**DEX:** [ _speaking loudly_ ] Hey Jack. [ _pauses_ ] I’m just calling because I’m sure you know the best ways to punish asshole teammates.

_scene shifts Falcs alternates JACK, MARTY and THIRDY are having their weekly Alternate Captain Power Lunch. JACK is holding his phone looking way too happy. MARTY and THIRDY are looking at him with suspicion_

**MARTY:** [ _speaking in french_ ] What’s up with the look kiddo?

 **THIRDY:** Marty! You know I hate it when you Canadians do your french stuff!

_JACK laughs._

**JACK** : [ _into phone_ ] Ok Dex I’m with St. Martin and Robinson I’m going to put you on  
speaker if that’s ok. [ _pauses_ ] Ok. This is the current Samwell captain, Dex.

_JACK puts his phone on speaker._

**JACK** : Hey Dex.

 **DEX:** Hey.

 **JACK** : So your teammates are assholes eh?

 **DEX:** Ayuh.

 **MARTY:** [ _muttering_ ] That’s a Mainer if I’ve ever heard one.

 **JACK** : What did they do?

 **DEX:** Someone or someones decided that they would fill my locker to the brim with  
cheap plastic lobsters.

_JACK falls out of his chair from laughing. MARTY starts laughing because JACK fell out of his chair. THIRDY looks confused. JACK turns off the microphone on his phone for a quick second._

**JACK** : [ _between laughs_ ] His family does lobster fishing. And he’s from Maine.

_JACK turns the microphone on again._

**MARTY:** Jack says you need help?

 **DEX:** Yes.

_scene fades out as they talk. after practice, DEX and NURSEY are in the locker room. NURSEY is on the floor doing something unknown._

**DEX:** What the fuck are you doing Nurse?

_DEX walks towards NURSEY_

**NURSEY:** DONT COME ANY CLOSER! You might disturb the prints.

_view of DEX’s locker. it is covered in caution tape that someone has scribbled out the caution and written “Crime Scene” crudely over. NURSEY is tracing around the pile of lobsters, which have not been moved._

**DEX:** NURSEY!

 **NURSEY:** I’m helping you figure out who did it!

 **DEX:** You probably already know who did it.

 **NURSEY:** Maybe I do.

 **DEX:** Will you tell me?

 **NURSEY:** Maybe I won't.

 **DEX:** Thanks Derek. Really got my team behind me.

 **NURSEY:** Oh using first names are we Will?

 **DEX:** Shut up you ass, I’m your fucking captain, show some goddamn respect.

 **NURSEY:** Respect is for those who deserve it.

_DEX shoves NURSEY lightheartedly. scene shifts to the boards of Faber at the next practice. DEX is with JACK, THIRDY, MARTY and COACH HALL. the rest of the team is groaning and whining loudly as they do suicides._

**DEX:** [ _Yelling_ ] YOU’RE DOING THOSE UNTIL SOMEONE CONFESSES OR PRACTICE ENDS.

 **JACK** : How’s the team doing right now?

 **DEX:** Could be better, could be worse. I’m pretty sure two of the lobsters have  
something going on between them but I’m not assuming anything. Also the other  
one is casually homophobic and it’s clearly making the other two uncomfortable,  
even though they’re all friends.

 **JACK:** That’s rough buddy.

 **MARTY:** Nice quote.

 **JACK:** What?

_MARTY groans loudly_

**COACH  
****HALL:** [ _To MARTY and THIRDY_ ] I’m sorry, we tried, we really did.

 **THIRDY:** I think this is a hopeless case.

 **DEX:** It is. ANYWAYS. Jack, Robinson, St Martin, how can I make them suffer further?

 **THIRDY:** I still don't understand why this is so offensive.

 **MARTY:** Ignore him. Consider; depriving them of Bittle Pies.

 **THIRDY:** GREAT idea!

 **DEX:** That’s considered a war crime in the Pittsfield Convention. I literally cannot do  
that.

 **JACK:** That’s still a thing?

_MARTY and THIRDY look amused._

**DEX:** Well yeah.

_NURSEY was skating by during this part of the conversation._

**NURSEY** : Noot noot scooting in to say JACK THAT WAS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT YOU  
DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN.

_MARTY and THIRDY attempt to stifle their laughter._

**DEX:** NURSEY GET TO YOUR SUICIDES!

 **JACK:** Noot noot?

_NURSEY skates away. MARTY is shaking trying to hold his breath. THIRDY is coughing._

**DEX:** YOU FORCING HOLSTER TO SIT IN THE VERY BACK AFTER CHOWDER  
TOOK A SHIT CONSTITUTES AS CHEMICAL WARFARE. YOU PROBABLY  
VIOLATED THE ACTUAL GENEVA CONVENTION. YOU ARE A HISTORY  
MAJOR YOU SHOULD FUCKING KNOW THIS.

_MARTY and THIRDY finally break. MARTY needs to lean on the boards from laughter. THIRDY is on the ground. JACK groans._

**JACK:** You guys think you’re so funny.

 **DEX:** You make Buzzfeed’s “most boring celebrity” list every year.

 **JACK:** Entirely fair point.

_MARTY and THIRDY calm down as the scene fades out. Locker room after practice. MARTY, THIRDY and JACK are waiting for the rest of SAMWELL MEN’S HOCKEY (SMH) to come in. DEX is talking to COACH HALL._

**THIRDY:** Your old team is hilarious.

 **JACK:** Yeah. You know, the seniors now are the only ones who are still on SMH  
who had me as a captain? It’s so weird for me to think about.

 **MARTY:** Eugh, that must be pretty weird.

_SMH walks into the locker room. NURSEY and CHOWDER lead the charge. CHOWDER and NURSEY light up when they see JACK._

**CHOWDER** : Jack! You’re here!

_NURSEY and CHOWDER run the best they can to JACK and knock him over to hug him. the rest of SMH stomp in, the TADPOLES and WAFFLES stare at JACK, MARTY AND THIRDY. HICKS and BAM look confused. ROACH throws his hands up._

**ROACH:** Let me guess, Hicks and Carter don’t know who these guys are either.  
ALSO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE????

_JACK mutters something to MARTY and THIRDY. they laugh._

**THIRDY:** To help Dex.

 **JACK:** I’m an alumni.

 **MARTY:** The rest of us are just his friends. We’re on his hockey team.

 **BAM** : Are there a lot of beer leagues in Providence?

 **MARTY:** [ _muttering_ ] You weren’t kidding.

_THIRDY laughs._

**JACK:** [ _shit-eating grin_ ] Yep.

 **HICKS:** Huh. Nice.

_ROACH gives a long-suffering look._

**ROACH:** Jesus fucking christ.

 **THIRDY:** I guess that’s our cue to leave! See you!

 **JACK:** Bye!

 **THIRDY:** Bye!

 **DEX:** Thanks for coming!

_THIRDY, JACK and MARTY leave._

**HICKS:** Who the fuck was that?

_SAMWELL MEN’S HOCKEY, save BAM and HICKS, groans._

_Scene ends._

**Author's Note:**

> my omgcp sideblog is omgcphivemind on tumblr! come say hi!


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